Almost

So right before I left work today I had made up my mind to buy a pack the second I was clear of the building. I had 15 minutes to go and my mind was made up. I told myself:
S: "This doesn't mean you're smoking again," but I asked myself,
N: "How is it different?" I tried telling myself,
S: "Well it's just one," but I knew if I bought a pack in the middle of the day and had it in my pocket, I'd smoke more than just one.
S: "I want it so badly," I told myself, my mouth watering with anticipation.
N: "You'll want one worse tomorrow if you have one today," I said knowingly, "Then you'll be back where you started. It won't be quitting or starting it will be days and days of self torture, stealing a cigarette here and cracking there, until you detox again or go back entirely. That's how cigarettes prove their dominance over you."
S: "But," I said, "I'm so nervous. I need one to calm my nerves."

I was caught for a moment. It was true, my heart was racing, my scalp was sweaty, my jaw was clenched.
N: "Wait," I said to myself, "Steve is handling the situation at work, so that's not to worry about, you're doing okay in finance, so you don't have the test to worry about. What are you worrying about? -Smoking!"

It's true, I had worked myself up into a panic about smoking to try to justify smoking!
S: "Okay, so I shouldn't have one," I conceded, but what do I do? I leave in 5 min. How do I stop myself?" I popped a piece of gum in my mouth and waited.

N: "This is a test," I told myself, "If you pass, you'll feel better, if you don't, you won't." And I knew these words were true.

I passed. I feel stronger. And I can still breath.