Lesson learned

Adidas!  How appropriate!

Yesterday I was having a bad day before I even left the house to go to work.  I stopped at the store on my way to the train station and bought a pack of cigarettes.  I knew I didn't want to start smoking again, but I figured one day wouldn't hurt.  I'm still on the patch.  I still have at least five weeks more to go on it.  Therefore, if I smoke now, I won't be stoking the physical dependence and I have enough time left on the patch to deal with the habitual dependence.  Right?

It kind of sucked because at the time, I didn't see that I was falling right into one of my biggest traps with smoking.  I always think I can just have one/one day/ one week and I always think that when I'm emotionally stressed out.  The truth is, that's always how I start smoking again, therefore I can't have "just one".

Last night as I was drifting off to sleep, I was already justifying, and looking forward to, finishing the pack today.  My mouth was watering, looking forward to my morning cigarette.  The one perk of leaving the house in the morning.  How I've missed that.  Then I thought about how I'd wake up... how I'd wake up at five to go running... how could I go running if I'm going to be smoking... how could I be smoking if I'm going to be running...  These things are absolutely mutually exclusive.  I took a moment to think about which I wanted more.  I chose to run.

As I left my house this morning I thought, okay it was one day.  Seven cigarettes.  No biggie.  I'm back on track today.  Then I started running.  It hurt.  I was more winded today than I've been since I started.  One day and already this change.  I did my three reps but I was counting down the seconds.  It was harder and it was not enjoyable.

Lesson learned.  One day makes a difference.  No more excuses.  No more false starts.  I want to be healthy.  I want to breath and to run.  I want to get fit.  I am done.