Getting amped

Okay, so I failed gloriously at quitting smoking last time, but I'm getting ready to try again. I ordered patches that will be here to coincide with the end of finals.

This is a must for all of the reasons that I have listed and then some.

I will succeed, damnit!!!

Almost

So right before I left work today I had made up my mind to buy a pack the second I was clear of the building. I had 15 minutes to go and my mind was made up. I told myself:
S: "This doesn't mean you're smoking again," but I asked myself,
N: "How is it different?" I tried telling myself,
S: "Well it's just one," but I knew if I bought a pack in the middle of the day and had it in my pocket, I'd smoke more than just one.
S: "I want it so badly," I told myself, my mouth watering with anticipation.
N: "You'll want one worse tomorrow if you have one today," I said knowingly, "Then you'll be back where you started. It won't be quitting or starting it will be days and days of self torture, stealing a cigarette here and cracking there, until you detox again or go back entirely. That's how cigarettes prove their dominance over you."
S: "But," I said, "I'm so nervous. I need one to calm my nerves."

I was caught for a moment. It was true, my heart was racing, my scalp was sweaty, my jaw was clenched.
N: "Wait," I said to myself, "Steve is handling the situation at work, so that's not to worry about, you're doing okay in finance, so you don't have the test to worry about. What are you worrying about? -Smoking!"

It's true, I had worked myself up into a panic about smoking to try to justify smoking!
S: "Okay, so I shouldn't have one," I conceded, but what do I do? I leave in 5 min. How do I stop myself?" I popped a piece of gum in my mouth and waited.

N: "This is a test," I told myself, "If you pass, you'll feel better, if you don't, you won't." And I knew these words were true.

I passed. I feel stronger. And I can still breath.

Breaking up

Dear Smoking,

You always gave me something to do when I was bored/ anxious/ lonely/ angry/ happy/ nervous/ hungry/ awake. You were always there for me. Never too busy or too tired. You weren't just what I did, you were who I was, a smoker. You gave me something in common with all the other smokers in the world. You were a built in conversation. You were something I could use as an expression, like a smirk. You were something that was always a part of me. A friend. I feel boring without you. I feel like I don't have a description. I feel like I gave up something of who I was and I miss you already.

I wish that you wouldn't take all my money and kill me, but you will. I wish you could support yourself and be a positive influence in my life, but you're not. I wish that you and I could stay friends but I know that we can't. You will keep me from making new friends, limit my life experiences and make it hard for me to enjoy myself without you. All my friends don't like you. They tell me that you're no good for me. They have gone so far as to tell me you smell. I wish we could still hang out every now and then but you only want me as more than friend. You want me as a constant companion. I've tried all I can to save this relationship, but I have to realize that my efforts are useless. You're never going to change. You are never going to be healthy for me.

It's just not our time. If we existed in another era I'm sure we would have been able to keep it going, but I'm a modern woman and I need to move on. It's time to move on.

I'll never forget all that you meant to me.

~L

Learning

Quitting smoking is exactly like those new quitting smoking commercials. Today I started to learn how to walk from the train station to school without smoking. I got to school, slightly disoriented, and tried to learn what people do when they're early for something and they don't smoke. I sat down on the ledge outside my school but I couldn't figure out why I was sitting outside where it was cold.

I noticed, as I sat there, that through my cold I could smell the smoke from the people around me. Now, I couldn't smell the coffee in my hand, couldn't smell the coffee in Dunkin Donuts, couldn't smell the toast I accidentally set on fire this morning, couldn't smell the Flatbush Ave train station, couldn't smell the homeopathic sinus-clearing garlic-cayenne-sea salt-honey-vinegar-ginger "tea" I drank this morning. I couldn't smell anything all day but my addicty, endorphin starved brain could pick out the smell of a cigarette.

I picked myself up off the ledge I was sitting on, walked over to the ash tray, realized I didn't have anything to contribute to it and walked into the building. I sat down and wrote the following list of reasons I don't want to smoke.

1. I don't want to die
2. I can't breathe
3. My asthma has been acting up for weeks
4. $9 per day = $300 per month = $3,600 per year
5. Yellow teeth
6. I'm getting crow's feet
7. I can't exercise
8. I taste like an ashtray
9. I'm past the age where my doctor will prescribe me birth control despite the fact that I'm a smoker
10. Smoker's hack is about as sexy as pink eye
11. Smoking makes me have something in common with people who live in trailers
12. I like to taste things
13. I'm sick as hell, a cigarette would make me feel exponentially worse and yet it still temps me

I'm home now. I didn't smoke. I'm trying to learn how to get ready for bed without a cigarette.

More on quitting

So, I went to work today. Still sick. Came home early. Still not smoking... I didn't even really think about it to tell you the truth. I know it's going to be hard once I'm feeling better, but I need to take advantage of this opportunity. I've made it past the detox stage so from here on in it's all psychological. That's a gift I don't want to waste.

Quitting smoking

So, I had planned to quit this Sat. coming up, but life got in the way and I haven't had a cigarette in over 48 hours. I'm not sure if that counts as quitting because I'm so sick right now I don't think I could smoke a cigarette if I wanted to. Then again, the fact that I'm not planning on smoking again would make me a former smoker eventually.

I guess I'll find out where I'm at tomorrow when I actually have to leave my house. Then again, if I still feel like I do right now, it won't be a problem.

Please don't mention it to me, though. If I'm not talking about smoking, then I'm not thinking about it and that's a good thing.

30 before 30

Okay, here's the list of things I'm going to accomplish before my thirtieth birthday. It's not that any of them will be any less significant if they are done later, but I think my thirtieth is a nice deadline for things that I have been putting off, talking about, dreaming about, etc. So, here's the list:
1) Quit smoking
2) Pay off my student loans
3) Dye my hair RED
4) Join a gym and get in shape for the first time ever
5) Buy a starter apartment
6) Learn to live on a budget
7) Cultivate a taste for Scotch
8) Improve posture
9) Consistently get up when the alarm goes off the first time
10) Get my teeth whitened and veneers
11) Improve my credit to the point where #5 will be possible
12) Go to Mardi Gras
13) Learn Spanish well enough to understand people on the train
14) Enroll in the 401K
15) Enter, and perhaps complete, grad school
16) Take care of my skin
17) Get hobby that doesn't qualify as a vice
18) Learn to type (I know, I know...)
19) Own a real pet
20) Straighten out my identification situation
21) Bring my voice down an octave
22) Get back into yoga
23) Take up a martial art (or at least try a few classes to see if I like it)

More to follow...