Almost

So right before I left work today I had made up my mind to buy a pack the second I was clear of the building. I had 15 minutes to go and my mind was made up. I told myself:
S: "This doesn't mean you're smoking again," but I asked myself,
N: "How is it different?" I tried telling myself,
S: "Well it's just one," but I knew if I bought a pack in the middle of the day and had it in my pocket, I'd smoke more than just one.
S: "I want it so badly," I told myself, my mouth watering with anticipation.
N: "You'll want one worse tomorrow if you have one today," I said knowingly, "Then you'll be back where you started. It won't be quitting or starting it will be days and days of self torture, stealing a cigarette here and cracking there, until you detox again or go back entirely. That's how cigarettes prove their dominance over you."
S: "But," I said, "I'm so nervous. I need one to calm my nerves."

I was caught for a moment. It was true, my heart was racing, my scalp was sweaty, my jaw was clenched.
N: "Wait," I said to myself, "Steve is handling the situation at work, so that's not to worry about, you're doing okay in finance, so you don't have the test to worry about. What are you worrying about? -Smoking!"

It's true, I had worked myself up into a panic about smoking to try to justify smoking!
S: "Okay, so I shouldn't have one," I conceded, but what do I do? I leave in 5 min. How do I stop myself?" I popped a piece of gum in my mouth and waited.

N: "This is a test," I told myself, "If you pass, you'll feel better, if you don't, you won't." And I knew these words were true.

I passed. I feel stronger. And I can still breath.

Breaking up

Dear Smoking,

You always gave me something to do when I was bored/ anxious/ lonely/ angry/ happy/ nervous/ hungry/ awake. You were always there for me. Never too busy or too tired. You weren't just what I did, you were who I was, a smoker. You gave me something in common with all the other smokers in the world. You were a built in conversation. You were something I could use as an expression, like a smirk. You were something that was always a part of me. A friend. I feel boring without you. I feel like I don't have a description. I feel like I gave up something of who I was and I miss you already.

I wish that you wouldn't take all my money and kill me, but you will. I wish you could support yourself and be a positive influence in my life, but you're not. I wish that you and I could stay friends but I know that we can't. You will keep me from making new friends, limit my life experiences and make it hard for me to enjoy myself without you. All my friends don't like you. They tell me that you're no good for me. They have gone so far as to tell me you smell. I wish we could still hang out every now and then but you only want me as more than friend. You want me as a constant companion. I've tried all I can to save this relationship, but I have to realize that my efforts are useless. You're never going to change. You are never going to be healthy for me.

It's just not our time. If we existed in another era I'm sure we would have been able to keep it going, but I'm a modern woman and I need to move on. It's time to move on.

I'll never forget all that you meant to me.

~L