Fear, Pride and Inertia

I don't want to come off preachy or like I think I'm wise or something but I want to spend today talking about fear and pride and the resulting inertia.

I am a person that dreams big.  I need to have goals and I need to feel like I'm not just spinning my wheels.  There is a big part of me that tries not to see the roadblocks, only the road but there's also a big part of me that is afraid to actually try to make things happen.  These two things are always in conflict.  So, I do nothing and go nowhere.

I've spent a lot of time evaluating what I want out of life.  There is nothing I truly want that is out of my reach (of the things I have control over).  So why aren't I out there making these things happen?  Fear.

I spent months last year studying for the GMAT.  I'm still not in grad school.  When I think about why that is it all boils down to fear:

I spent months studying because I was afraid to just sit down and take the test.
When I did take it, I wasn't as prepared as I was months before when I was still too scared to do it.
I didn't want to take it and find out that I don't have what it takes.
I was scared to move to a new city for school but I'm scared not to, also.

So I do nothing.  I've done nothing.  I know I want to retake the test but I'm putting it off.  The fear says, "What if you take it and you still do poorly?"  If I stay here in this place with the possibility in front of me, then it's okay but if I commit to an action and it doesn't work out than I don't even have that possibility in front of me.  It's now "failure" not "possibility"

All of this keeps me back.  Holds me here in a place that I am not content with but I am safe in.

But then there is the dreamer asking, "Is this all there is?  Is this what you want?"  And I can't argue with that.  I want more.  I want to achieve the things I want.  I want to feel confident, knowledgeable.  I want a career not a job.  I want to be a professional, not a worker.

So I need to start stepping outside my safety zone.  I need to bite the bullet.  I need to start working towards my masters so I can get my CPA.  I love my company but I want to outgrow it.  I need to work past the fear that if I leave, I may not be as happy as I am now because I am no longer happy.  I no longer feel competent and proud.

I need to push past the pride and fear that is keeping me from grad school.  So what if I have to go back to CUNY.  If that's the only place that will take me.  If I find out that that is really as good as I am, well?  At least I'm going for it.  At least I will be working.  It's 30 credits.  I can do that. 

So, I am going to find out what I have to do to get the ball rolling on that.