Monday...

So, today I’m feeling a little less than super motivated. I went out for my birthday over the weekend and might have had a little too much to drink. Spent yesterday sleeping off a hang over but even today I’m still kind of blah.

So, I think it’s a good day to work on positivity (#27).

I have wonderful friends and a great family.
I have a good job.
My doggie loves me.

#19

One year left!

So, I'm turning 29 at the end of this week and I've been thinking of resurrecting this blog for quite some time. I was 26 and writing this from a student lounge on the campus of my school when I wrote this list. I was a little nervous that I'd come back, read this list and be overwhelmed by all the hopes and dreams I had back then that I may have since abandoned. It was quite a nice surprise to see how many things I've accomplished or am in the process of accomplishing. So here's the old list, with my new edits in italics:

1) Quit smoking (Well, I'm working on it. Today is day 2, yet again. I will say that smoking is something I am determined NOT to bring into my thirties.)

2) Pay off my student loans (Should be done by January '12 or March '12 the latest)

3) Dye my hair RED (Actually, I'm probably going to get highlights)

4) Join a gym and get in shape for the first time ever (Start running.)

5) Buy a starter apartment (Should be able to start looking as soon as the student loan is paid off!)

6) Learn to live on a budget (Done! Mostly)

7) Cultivate a taste for Scotch (Done! I'm a single malt girl!)

8) Improve posture (meh.)

9) Consistently get up when the alarm goes off the first time (Abandoned.)

10) Get my teeth whitened and veneers (Abandoned. I'll settle with OTC and getting the nicotine stains out as best as possible)

11) Improve my credit to the point where #5 will be possible (Done!)

12) Go to Mardi Gras (Abandoned. I think it's over rated)

13) Learn Spanish well enough to understand people on the train (Probably not going to happen)

14) Enroll in the 401K (Done!)

15) Enter, and perhaps complete, grad school (On hold. Maybe I will, maybe I won't)

16) Take care of my skin

17) Get hobby that doesn't qualify as a vice (In the running: sewing or pottery)

18) Learn to type (I know, I know...) (Meh. I manage)

19) Own a real pet (Done!)

20) Straighten out my identification situation (Done!)

21) Bring my voice down an octave (Meh.)

22) Get back into yoga (Probably not but I'd still like to)

23) Take up a martial art (or at least try a few classes to see if I like it) (Again, maybe, maybe not.)

New:

24) Sort out my love life.

25) Learn to drive

26) Volunteer with Brady for dog therapy.

27) Work on being more positive about myself. (That originally said, "be less negative")

28) Be able to get through the weekend without abandoning healthy eating.

29) Be more social.

30) Dress more fashionably on a day to day basis.

So, I think that leaves a pretty good list of things I can and will do in the next 367 days!

Wish me luck! I'll try to remember to update!

Edit: Also, stop procrastinating!!!

Peaks and Valleys

Okay, so I'm on my 2nd day of my fifth week of being cigarette free. I'm on the patch which has made it ridiculously easy to quit smoking. I mean almost painless. I don't even want to smoke at all. That said, I'm still a nicotine addict cause I haven't gone through withdrawal, yet. It makes me realize what my addiction really is.

In the past, after going through withdrawal, I'd still kind of want a cigarette. I'd still be pulled towards them. I'd still feel something about them even months later. I thought that this was just habit because I had already detoxed. Now I realize that it wasn't. My body will always crave nicotine. Right now, I have no urge to smoke. None. And it's weird. I smell smokers and it just smells like smoke. Not good or bad. Not tempting or repulsive. I just smell it. I wonder if this is what it's like for you guys?

Well, trying to kill this 15lbs I gained hasn't gone as well. In fact it hasn't gone at all. I eat right and don't lose an ounce. I've been so hard on myself. I'm pretty sure I've been harder than I usually am when I'm losing weight, but nada. I'm going to walk home from the junction tonight cause I know that I need to be more active and then it will come right off, right? Plus I'm PMSing and ate 2 chocolate bars today! But they both deserved it! So anyway I have to work it off just to break even....

Getting amped

Okay, so I failed gloriously at quitting smoking last time, but I'm getting ready to try again. I ordered patches that will be here to coincide with the end of finals.

This is a must for all of the reasons that I have listed and then some.

I will succeed, damnit!!!

Almost

So right before I left work today I had made up my mind to buy a pack the second I was clear of the building. I had 15 minutes to go and my mind was made up. I told myself:
S: "This doesn't mean you're smoking again," but I asked myself,
N: "How is it different?" I tried telling myself,
S: "Well it's just one," but I knew if I bought a pack in the middle of the day and had it in my pocket, I'd smoke more than just one.
S: "I want it so badly," I told myself, my mouth watering with anticipation.
N: "You'll want one worse tomorrow if you have one today," I said knowingly, "Then you'll be back where you started. It won't be quitting or starting it will be days and days of self torture, stealing a cigarette here and cracking there, until you detox again or go back entirely. That's how cigarettes prove their dominance over you."
S: "But," I said, "I'm so nervous. I need one to calm my nerves."

I was caught for a moment. It was true, my heart was racing, my scalp was sweaty, my jaw was clenched.
N: "Wait," I said to myself, "Steve is handling the situation at work, so that's not to worry about, you're doing okay in finance, so you don't have the test to worry about. What are you worrying about? -Smoking!"

It's true, I had worked myself up into a panic about smoking to try to justify smoking!
S: "Okay, so I shouldn't have one," I conceded, but what do I do? I leave in 5 min. How do I stop myself?" I popped a piece of gum in my mouth and waited.

N: "This is a test," I told myself, "If you pass, you'll feel better, if you don't, you won't." And I knew these words were true.

I passed. I feel stronger. And I can still breath.

Breaking up

Dear Smoking,

You always gave me something to do when I was bored/ anxious/ lonely/ angry/ happy/ nervous/ hungry/ awake. You were always there for me. Never too busy or too tired. You weren't just what I did, you were who I was, a smoker. You gave me something in common with all the other smokers in the world. You were a built in conversation. You were something I could use as an expression, like a smirk. You were something that was always a part of me. A friend. I feel boring without you. I feel like I don't have a description. I feel like I gave up something of who I was and I miss you already.

I wish that you wouldn't take all my money and kill me, but you will. I wish you could support yourself and be a positive influence in my life, but you're not. I wish that you and I could stay friends but I know that we can't. You will keep me from making new friends, limit my life experiences and make it hard for me to enjoy myself without you. All my friends don't like you. They tell me that you're no good for me. They have gone so far as to tell me you smell. I wish we could still hang out every now and then but you only want me as more than friend. You want me as a constant companion. I've tried all I can to save this relationship, but I have to realize that my efforts are useless. You're never going to change. You are never going to be healthy for me.

It's just not our time. If we existed in another era I'm sure we would have been able to keep it going, but I'm a modern woman and I need to move on. It's time to move on.

I'll never forget all that you meant to me.

~L